57 Responses to “How to respond when your family asks for money”

• 

  Mark Nelson

  Wow.

  When I first read about making the money a gift instead of a loan my mind did not want to accept that. I was really going to argue with you until I thought about your post. I think most people read that if you are going to loan money to family members to make sure you have everything in writing. That does create hard feelings.

  But to the money as a gift. What a great idea. If you live in abundance and believe in giving why wouldn’t you give money to your family.

  You made my day a better day.

• 

  B Smith

  @Mark-I’m glad that my post was useful and made you think. I knew it would stir up some controversy which is often good. As long as the discussion stays civil it is a productive way to explore the concept.

  I have to admit this was a hard topic to write about. I’ve been seeing it pop up on several blog I follow and there never seemed to be a good answer. Everyone had a strong opinion, but they all seemed to be based on emotion.

• 

  Curt

  Great article. I agree, if you are going to give money, make sure that it’s a gift. The only thing I didn’t see addressed is what to do when your spouse and you can’t agree. In this case, I think you have to turn on your family and stick with your spouse – even at the expence of your extended family relationship. And you can’t blame your spouse, because that will only damage your marriage. You have to keep your discussion with your spouse private and make a decision together.

• 

  B Smith

  @Curt-You sure do love to stir things up!

  That does makes the decision more interesting. I think the same concepts apply, and that making a logical decision will eliminate that problem. If you step away from the emotions and base the decision on facts it eliminates many of the problems.

  But at the end of the day I would always side with my wife. The day I walked down the aisle she became the most important (and influential) person in my life.

• 

  Brian

  I have personally seen this happening. Basically, the person who keeps asking for bailouts has never had to accept the natural consequences of their actions. In order for them to do so, NO must be an answer. I am not advocating never helping out a family member. I would love to do so if they were in genuine need and it was a one time thing. Also, everyone has boundaries and it IS within the person boundaries (the one that is being hit up for cash) to say no. I totally agree. When the someone keeps asking for money, then they are not respecting the boundaries of the other person.

  I also agree that the emotion has to be taken out of it. I have seen the guilt trip work first hand and know that it destroys relationships. Plus if family members really love you, they will understand that you can’t keep giving them money. If the get mad, it’s just because they couldn’t manipulate you into giving money. They are mad that their handout didn’t come through. People who constantly seek handouts are completely selfish and don’t care about the strain they are putting on another person.

  Personally, I pride myself on being financially independent. Upon entering college, I ceased asking my parents for money. Years down the road, I still haven’t and I won’t ever. If something bad happens, I will take out a loan (which I have done for unexpected things).

• 

  B Smith

  @Brian-This topic tends to generate strong opinions. People tend to filter their reactions through their experiences.

  That’s why separating the emotion and the facts is so important. The relationship and the emotion become data points. They are part of the decision without taking over the process.

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• 

  Alison Wiley

  Gift-not-loan is much more realistic. I also think that giving to elderly parents (or even financially supporting them) can be the right thing, while giving to or supporting adult children is generally not (assuming they’re able-bodied).

• 

  B Smith

  @Alison-Thanks for your comment!

  I agree that elderly parents are a different story, but this again is a decision that needs to be made using logic. I know of a lot of parents that were loving and supportive. In that case the children have a larger obligation. This is also an easy decision.

  It is not the same in dysfunctional families. In some cases the parents regularly put their families in harms way. They did not contribute to the health and well being. They have not earned this privilege.

  Bringing dysfunctional parents into your house also adds several things to be considered. What will be the impact on your family? Will you have to worry about your identity (family steals more identities than anyone else)?

  Many of the points in my post still apply. You need to look at your specific situation. This is what drives your decision.

• 

  Anita Campbell

  Hi B Smith (Brandt?),

  The point that hits home for me is #5. That is what I would look at very carefully. If the family member is not doing anything to help him/herself, than you might as well burn the money.

  It puts a whole different take on things, though, if they are doing their best and simply getting kicked in the shins by life and need a temporary helping hand. Then I’d help in a heart beat.

  Excellent post.

  Anita

• 

  B Smith

  @Anita-you figured out my super secret identity!

  Their level of personal accountability is a good indication of whether your assistance will help or hurt them. If they have taken ownership of the problem and are taking steps to improve then your efforts are for the best. If they are looking to you to bail them out, nothing changes and you enable them. This helps no one, especially them.

  It’s hard when you see the tears falling. This is where getting some breathing room helps.

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• 

  Paula

  Really good article. #1 is the hardest to deal with. I have extended family members who make you feel bad just because you have your finances in order. They look at you like you have money falling out of your pockets. Needless to say we avoid contact with those family members just because of how negatively they interact with my husband and I.

• 

  B Smith

  @Paula-Thanks for the great comment. It’s funny how people think we’re rich just because we’re self employed.

  It also happens when there is a difference in your level of financial responsibility. I have friends and family who act like we are loaded because we can generally afford whatever we want. What they don’t see is how often we don’t spend money and that we are in this position because we have lived within our means for almost two decades.

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• 

  Missy

  My mother is not a senior citizen. As a matter of fact, she is only 15 years my senior. I wish I would have read this 10 minutes ago – before I wired my mother yet another $100.00. Maybe I would have had more of a backbone. I did send her a copy of all of the wire transactions for the past year. I guess I was being passive aggressive, which I know won’t help anything. I was just really annoyed. My husband and I are so far in debt! My husband left his job to start a business. We have invested all of our savings in it. It has been about 2 years since out business has been up and running and with the economy gong the way that it is, we are struggling like never before. My mother, who only has herself to worry about, acts like we’re her ATM. I think she thinks that we are some how living high of the hog. Her house (which she inherited) has no mortgage. She lost the one house that she did purchase – after I sent in over $1600 in back mortgage to bide for time. Instead of going ahead and selling the house, she let it go into foreclosure! She has no children living at home. She never incurred any debt from me for college. Even then I sent her some of my college loan money, and had to pay it back myself. She called me crying (probably crocodile tears) because she doesn’t have any money. She won’t hold on to a job. Somebody is always treating her “mean and nasty.” I have sent her money for numerous tests that she’s needed to take for employment purposes. Either she fails the test or quits the job. I feel like an idiot for sending her the money. We really can’t afford it. My husband hasn’t complained – yet, but I am afraid he may one day truly resent it. Anyway, thank you for the wisdom and insight. In the mean time, I suppose I’ll just chalk this “gift” up to the ash heap. Hello, my name is Missy and I am an enabler.

• 

  B Smith

  @Missy-Wow. I thought I was the only one with family issues.

  I’m glad my article made such a difference. This one took a lot to write. One thing I’ve found over the years is that there are a lot of people with dysfunctional families. I no longer feel quite so weird!

  You mentioned your husband started his own business and that the economy is hurting. You may want to look at Recessionproof Your Sales for advice on surviving our economic slowdown. One interesting thing I’ve found in similar times is that you can actually make gains but you need to focus on the right things (usually the basics). Your time and resources are strained so you have to apply them intelligently.

• 

  Susan

  I had wonderful parents who provided me with terrific financial advice. They lived well below their ample means, taught me to do the same. I have been saving since I was in gradeschool and saving for retirement since I began my professional career at 22. My parents (sadly) have both passed away and I have inheirited their remaining wealth. My husband and I took care of them until their last breaths.
  My husband’s parents never wanted him, never showed him any love and respect, favored their other children including financial support, and now are looking to us for support. This is because we have achieved certain goals and basically have a nice life living well within our means. In addition, they always made poor financial decisions and when my husband was young and needed $ 3000 to complete the purchase of his own business, they “were not interested.” Within the last six months my husband’s job was eliminated even though he has worked like a dog for his company and I have become disabled during a knee operation. I have begun training for a more suitable job(part-time) and he is looking for a new job. At 58 and 59, we will be financially fine, our homes are paid for, etc. because of our ability to save and control our spending, but I do not feel we have to bail them out. To be fair, they are now very elderly and have limited means, but when we advised them to seek a less expensive care center, they refused. When we offered them our beautiful fully paid for retirement condo in a neighboring city at a small rent to just cover their expenses($500) and when we advised them to put what money they had in safe investments(not the stock market or an annuity) they ignored our offers and advice. The entire relationship has been poisonous.

  My husband has no love for them but now feels guilty because they are his parents and they did one thing: sent him to college($12000) while basically kicking him out of their home. I feel no love or respect for them at all. My husband and I have helped friends who have been in dire straits(one with a liver transplant, another with a terrible accident). We gave money freely as gifts. But giving his parents money would be like endlessly throwing it into a cesspool. The cost of their care is $4500 a month and that would soon eat through our emergency fund, retirement savings and eventually through the money I inheirited. His guilt is overiding his common sense and I think he wants to prove to them that he is worthy of their respect. How do I expalin this all to him without getting into arguments about the facts of the situation?

  Sorry to go on an on, but this has been an ongoing issue for 32 years.

• 

  B Smith

  @Susan-You have a unique perspective. Your parents were sportive while your husband’s parents were corrosive. You basically see both sides of the equation!

  At times like this I find it helpful to be logical. Put it in a pro/con list including the emotional aspects as data points. In this case there are strong emotional issues on both the pro and con side of the list. One other thing I find helpful is to weigh each factor as some items are minor irritants while others have a significant impact.

  Another thing to consider is that you have to take care of yourself first. That doesn’t mean you need to be self-centered. It just means you need to make sure you and your husband don’t put yourself in a situation. It helps no one if a decade from now you are in financial straits because you keep bailing them out.

  A final thought: do some soul searching with your husband. Look at the emotions driving these bad decisions. Why is he driven to keep the relationship corrosive? Why has he not switched roles? What will happen if you refuse to pay $4500? If you do that it may force them to make a responsible decision.

  An article that may be applicable is Honor thy parents.

• 

  Sharon

  This is a topic that I’ve dealt with many, many times since I graduated from college and went to work.
  I was raised in a poor family where my Mother worked and my disabled Father stayed at home with the four kids. To say there was a lot of stress and tension between my parents would be an understatement.
  Once I became a professional, my parents always needed money and I would do what I could to help them. I learned early on to consider anything I gave a gift instead of a loan (learned it the hard way after taking my bill money to pay parents’ bills and then never getting the money back).
  The gift giving continued for years… and it never failed that I would spend $50 to $100 per visit because they needed this or wanted that. I thought it was my duty as their child to give back… even when I knew it wasn’t in my best interest.
  Two years ago, I got married to a wonderful man who has never had to deal with this issue. Together, we gave my parents more than $2,000 within an 18-month period to pay bills and get by (that doesn’t include money we gave to pay for my Father’s funeral easlier this year – almost $5,000).
  Last year, I told my Mother there was no more we could do for her as we now have a child to support. We also never made it public knowledge between my other siblings just how much money we had already given because it wasn’t any of their business.
  Once my Father died, my Mother’s financial situation became even worse… and my older sister asked my brother and I if we could give our Mother $200 each month to supplement her income.
  I told my sister ‘no’ and offered up a place in our home for our Mother because there is no way we could commit to taking care of two households.
  This has caused a lot of tension between my sister and I and we no longer speak… she has called my brother and I “greedy” because we won’t continue to give our Mother money.
  It’s hard to stand by our decision, but I know it was the right one for us… we can’t let our financial ship sink to save someone (not even if it is your parent.)

• 

  Reyna

  B Smith – you are very insightful and lend a great deal to this forum. To all others: great working through these issues with specific facts one can look at and consider. I am currently having a discussion with my husband over the dysfunction in his family – daughter, brother, ex-wife – and this forum has not only helped me this evening but brought a sense of calm and well-being to my mind as I deal with an issue such as this which is fraught with emotion. Thank you all.

• 

  Brandt Smith

  @Reyna – I’m glad we could help.

  This is always one of the hardest things to deal with. Since you are dealing with family, emotions tend to get in the way. Take a step back, look at the facts, consider what is best for everyone, and make a thoughtful decision.

• 

  Shez

  This is an interesting article.

  I have a younger sister who marriage has broken approx 4 years ago since her split and her onging divorce she continually goes to my elderly pension mother for money. For everything. My mother has paid for two flat rental deposits, annual car tax cleared her bank overdraft all together probably lent her £10,000 up to now which she never has even attempted to pay back. It now looks like my mother is contemplating paying her legal cost for the financial settlement which is probably going to be less than what my mother has given her already . My mother has a house which she has put up for an equity release scheme here in the uk and that is where most of the money has come from. My sister doesnt seem to feel there is anything wrong in this as she feels she “needs her inheritance now”. Although each time mum gives her money its a loan there has never been any effort of repayments. It looks as if the way she is going that not only will she have her inheritance before mum passes but also anything that may have been for me or my other sister. Actually she says that she needs it more as she is on her own as her estranged husband nor her children will not speak or have anything to do with her. She uses guilt the whole time to get her own way and fleece my mum.

  I thought of taking out some kind of guardianceship but I dont think she would be considered incapable in a court. I dont hate my sister I just think she is a grasping, greedy manipulative person who doesnt appear to have a conscience

• 

  jamester

  it’s easy for you to say to make it a gift, what if they are asking for 100k b/c they wanted to buy a bigger house in San Jose. They don’t have enough for the down payment for the time being, but they promise to pay back in a couple of months (when they sell their current home). It’s making it even harder when it’s your spouse’s family asking for the money. I have no problem telling my sibling no, I can tell my own family if you can’t afford it, don’t. But what if my spouse can’t say the same to his family?! Is it worth tearing my marriage apart b/c his family wanted money?? I am not happy about it, but what can I do?? Our saving wipe out, I can’t sleep at night. Does people know how evil it is to ask family member for loans??

• 

  Brandt Smith

  @Shez and @Jamester – Sorry if my response seems brutal. There is no easy way to say what need saying, and I won’t lie to you and say everything will be OK.

  @Shez – Wow. Your mom needs to cut her off. Her # 1 priority is her own financial well being, and it sounds like your sister is cutting into that.

  As for the inheritance, I hate to be brutal, but it is your mom’s money. It isn’t fair, but at the end of the day it is her choice. There is probably little you can do legally. My advice is to make your own way and build your own wealth. Don’t plan on any inheritance from anyone. If you get one it’s great, but if you don’t you are no further behind.

  @Jamester – If they are asking for $110k I say no. I don’t care if they want a bigger house. They can wait, sell their own house first, and then buy the new house.

  As for it being your spouses family, it makes no difference when it comes to your family’s money. It needs to be a joint decision between you and your husband. It isn’t his money, it isn’t yours, it belongs to the both of you.

  If it causes issues then the problem isn’t financial, it is your relationship. I’m not saying that you have a bad one, but that you and your husband need to work this issue out.

  As for making it a gift, loans always cause pain. Always. I’ve seen dozens of family “loans,” and all have caused significant issues. Don’t loan money, and if you do, don’t expect to see it repaid.

• 

  A Murray

  Thank you for this article. Its nice to know I’m not alone. Yet another sibling has asked me for money this year. And I know they have only started asking me (the youngest) because my parents have drawn the line at giving money regularly (they don’t have it anymore due to hard times). They are all grown adults (over 30), not married, and one has child support. Other than that, they only have themselves to worry about.

  I’ve taken the stance of giving this sibling a “gift” (I know I’ll never see it back) because I did give to the others so its only fair, however I am writing to all of them an ‘ultimatum’. They have all been in ‘dire straights’ for as long as I can remember, so clearly to me they are never helping themselves. My parents have been enabling them far too long in my opinion. So I’m offering to help them get a job and budget their finances (giving them something more than money). If they don’t want to take the offer, then that is is, I owe them nothing more. It would be harder to say no if I was doing well, but finances for me are a bit rough right now too, and like you said, sometimes they just don’t get it.

• 

  C.H.

  Thank you for this article…now only if I could get my husband to read it. He loaned his mother almost $1000 to file bankruptcy without taking into account our own financial situation. Now that it’s nearing the end of the month, and my daughter’s birthday, we are left with less than $200. He can’t tell his mother ‘no’ and if it happens again, he can go live with her and pay her rent if he wants to help her out.

• 

  Brandt Smith

  @C.H. – There isn’t an easy solution to this. Unless your husband understands that he is not helping, he will either fight or resent you.

  This is an area that a lot of people have problems. It is a “blind spot.” They have to be open to new ideas, and look at what will do the most the help their loved ones. This is often counter-intuitive.

• 

  John

  When friends asking for money, you should weigh each situation on its merits before answering. A few tips from me:

  1. Ask yourself if your friend can be trusted. Find out what the money is going to be used for, and determine whether it will be used for something that you feel is worthwhile.

  2. Determine whether you can afford to give a loan. Never loan money that you need for your family. Make sure that you have enough money in the bank to cover any financial burdens that you could possibly encounter.

  3. Say no if you can\’t give your friend the money. Always be polite and honest. Explain why you cannot make the loan.

  4. Offer to find other help. Just because you can\’t loan your friend money, doesn\’t mean you can\’t help him find the money somewhere else!

  5. Get it in writing. Once you\’ve discussed all the particulars with your friend, create a contract outlining the exact amount of the loan, interest rate and repayment schedule. Both you and your friend must sign the contract. Make two copies.

  I follow these my self when someone ask me for money;)

• 

  Brandt Smith

  @John – I agree with most points, but do think that you need to be careful loaning money. I rarely loan money to friends or family. It isn’t because I’m cheap (I’m not). It’s because I value the relationship too much to put it at risk.

  Bottom line, you are most likely going to lose a friendship. All it takes is a few late payments or a default and your friendship is trashed. Even if they pay on time, the reminders and stress of being in debt to you puts a strain on your friendship.

• 

  Edmund@Green Energy

  My mother has been through this experience for countless times whenever her brother come and borrow money from her and it is really damaging her relationship with my father. I am also very frustrated by it because I do not want to see my parents money going down the drain because my mother’s brother, who is also my uncle, will use her money to go and pay for his gambling debts and he will never return the money. Please advise me on what I should do as his son?

• 

  Edmund

  This is not something new to me especially when my uncle always come and look for my mother to borrow money to pay for his gambling debts. I am very frustrated by the fact that my mum always lend them the money knowing that they are not able to return them. It is really damaging her relationship with my father. Please advise on what I should do to help her.

• 

  Brewj

  Hello,
  This is a great article..I am 27 years old and constantly try to find information that will help me lead a financially stable lifestyle. I married a wonderful man two years ago and now we have a son. I love him so much and love his family as well, but they are completely dependant. I didn’t notice it as much before our marriage but looking back I was blind. His brother works but spends his money partying, his father has an injured back, but is capable of working and does not want to find a job that doesn’t allow him to work for himself (he’s been self employed for nearly his entire life and the economy has hurt his business) and his mother is completely co dependant. She is horrible with money and blows whatever she is given on frivolous things. She has and still does take whatever money that my FIL gets and spends without concern..then will call and ask my husband for money. We have talked about this and he states that he only gives his father money b/c he raised him and feels indebted to him. I just want him to understand that while I knew that they would need to be aided when they were elderly, I didn’t realize that I was coming into this marriage to help take care of two people who can work and help themselves! My husband is a very hard worker and makes good money, his family seems to be quite the opposite. Any advise would be greatly appreciated on how to handle this very sensitive situation! I am starting to resent his family for this and I don’t want to do that…thanks for a great article.

• 

  Brandt Smith

  @Edmund – The hard part is that you may be in a position where you can do nothing. Your mother needs to be willing to listen with an open mind. If not, don’t say anything or you may kill your relationship with your mother and your uncle.

  People have to be ready to help themselves.

• 

  cathy

  I have a problem with my mother and her asking me money every other month.My parents are both retired and my Dad was given his retirement money which he could have easily invested but he decided to find another woman and they both squandered all that money now he is the house with no money to even buy him blood pressure drugs. My mother on the other hand is an enabler to my brother who drinks and does nothing and cant even go out to look for a job. My elder sister died of Aids and while both my parents were working the hospitals bills were no big deal to pay. My third sister has AIds and thanks to our contribution she is fine and well can go out and find a job but they are sitting in the house waiting every other month to ask for money. Am a stay at home mom with a 5year old and another on the way so that makes my husband the one who sends money everytime plus he has to support his two kids from his previous marriage and he has to pay rent , school fees for our 5yr old and all other expenses ., at first he didnt have a problem with sending money now i see that he resents even the mention of my mother coz he knows its all about money. Am at wits end help on how i should handle this situation

• 

  Brandt Smith

  @cathy – You mentioned a key word, enabler. Essentially, everyone involved in this type of relationship is codependent. While I am not a shrink (and I’m not licensed to give psych advice), it sounds like there are a lot of codependent relationships in your family.

  While you think you are helping, the problem with codependent relationships is that you are doing more harm than good. People need to hit bottom before they can get better, and since you bail them out, there is no bottom to hit. Also, the giver ends up taking the responsibility for the poor behavior, and the receiver never gets the blessing of learning the lesson life is trying to teach.

  I’m not trying to say that you should never help out. I’m saying that you need to look up and say “what is best for everyone involved, including myself?” Often the right answer is hard and will lead to hurt feelings, especially if there is a history of bailouts.

• 

  Spike

  Hey there Smith, need some advice here.

  I am 28 and have an elder brother who is 4 years my senior. Fact is, I dont make as much as he does but he is always running out of money.

  We had a house that our family lived in and it is now sold because my mother had passed and its just me and my brother left. Prior to selling the house, numerous payments needed to be made and more often than not I had to handle that on my own and when I ask him for money to share the burden he always had NONE. Everything from dealing with the real estate agent to lawyers were handled by me and he only came on when money was coming in. He promised to return the money that I have spent handling payments on the house and an extra payment for my time and hardwork in getting the best price for the house. When it was time for payment, he paid me my 5 thousand and an extra of 5thousand when we agreed on a 15 thousand payment. I was fine with that..didnt want to make things worse.

  Anyways, we both had a fair amount of money after selling the house. Problem now is, he loaned about 350 thousand dollars to a girl who was then his girlfriend and she promised him a return of 400 thousand dollars. This was about a year ago and now he is dating someone else and is about to get married in about a months time. His ex is suppose to give him about 100 thousand soon as he is about to get married but there are some complications. He has asked me for 100 thousand. I am so stressed out about this, he has tried that guilt thing earlier saying that he would do the same if I was in his position and we are family but money is more important yadi yada all the normal guilt crap. He even mentioned calling off the wedding!!!

  Fact is, I am not even sure if his ex will make payment on April! I have my own things to handle, I am also getting married this year, I recently bought a house and I am also in the middle of starting a new business. How do I make it clear to him that I know him getting married is important but I myself would need money to do what I need to do. I am pretty much stressed out and I need advice on what I can do! I feel a little helpless as most younger ones in the family do.

  Your reply would be very much appreciated.

  Thank you.

  Spike (not real name)

• 

  JJNich

  Asking family members for money is toxic, period. My spouse and I both have adult siblings (with families of their own) who CHOOSE not to work. They choose not to work because they manipulate family and friends to give them money. I consider ourselves victims of these toxic siblings. I stopped enabling long ago and unfortunately my spouse occasionally funds the ungrateful brother, out of guilt. Our siblings put the guilt on and have no regard for our lives. They only call for money and our relationships are forever tarnished because of their selfish ways. Other family members have adopted a ‘no loan policy’. While some think it’s cruel, I think it’s genius and will spare emotional turmoil and uncomfortable situations in the long run. It’s one thing to help someone out of a jam and gift the cash as mentioned in other posts. It’s another thing to become a door mat.

• 

  Brandt Smith

  @Spike – I would politely but firmly say “no.” Tell him that you love him, but you can’t continue to sacrifice your life and financial security to support him.

  Fully expect to have a ton of guilt piled on you, call off the wedding, call you ugly names, etc…None of it matters.

  Bailing him out again helps no one. He needs to hit bottom and learn the lesson life is teaching him, and he can’t do that if you solve the problem for him.

  @JJNich – It sounds mean, but bailing people out never helps. It is one thing to help out someone who is trying to pull themselves out of the gutter, but that means you help and teach, you don’t do it for them.

• 

  noelant

  Hello!
  This is such a helpful post! I was wondering what to do if you agreed to give money but now you can…my fiance and I had been staying with my mother and taking care of all of the bills while she was unemployed. I am pregnant and had anticipated my fiance and I moving out in august before the baby gets here. Due to the increasing financial burden of paying all of the bills in a house that wasn’t ours, we made the decision that it was best to get our own apartment. My mother was invited to come along free of any financial obligations until she could find a job. She didn’t want to do this as she wasn’t comfortable moving twice within one year. She did, however, give us her blessing to get our own place. My fiance and I agreed to help her out with $200 a month and we would pay off her gas bill. She agreed, but 2 days before were to move into our own place, she said our help wouldn’t be enough and that we were basically leaving her with no way to make ends meet. I explained that by her giving us her blessing and skipping on the offer, she had no right to throw our moving out in her face as though it were a decision made yesterday. She has since received $260 but when I explained that. I we had $200 to give her she said that wasn’t good enough, hence the $260.

  My question is how do I set boundaries with my mother while preparing for a new baby with my fiance, and still keep my end of the agreement with my mother? My fiance is beyond annoyed with this situation and I can’t blame him. We’ve had to tell his mother no several times when she’s asked for money.

  I’m sooo confused!! Please help me…

• 

  Brandt Smith

  @noelant -You need to take care of yourself and your immediate family first. You are doing no one a favor (you mom, fiance, unborn child, or yourself) if you do anything else.

  This may sound heartless, but your mother is an adult and needs to take care of herself. If she is of working age, it is her responsibility to provide for herself. It may seem like you are helping by paying $200 a month, but it is keeping her from hitting bottom. Cut the ties, let her learn this life lesson, and then she can go on with her life.

  Be aware that it will get ugly, but don’t give in to the emotional extortion. She will cry. She will call you a monster. She will tell all her friends that you hate her and have abandoned her.

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  Mandy

  These situations all sound familiar. I am paying off debts accrued through being unemployed last winter. I have no pension, or savings bar a couple of thousand pounds from a loan on my house which also has a mortgage.

  I have a temporary job with only two more paychecks before hitting unemployment again. Part of the problem is I used to work overseas and had to return for health reasons. I have an ongoing debilitating auto-imune condition which makes full-time teaching work very difficult and demanding.

  Basically I have lived like a pauper for the past 4 years oscillating between being unemployed or paying off the debts with temp jobs.

  In the midst of this, my sister relentlessly asks for money for her daughter. She has 3 horses and has blown her way through a small fortune, has lost her house after remortaging it three times. My mother lent her the deposit of £10K. She has zero credit rating as a result of non-payment of massive credit card debts.

  My brother has power of attorney over my mother’s finances. Although my mother wants to contribute to her only granddaughter, he will not release a penny of the money.

  I have paid out around £2K in the past year which is exactly 50% of any money left over after living expenses. In other words, I have foregone any extras like , going out, and buy all my clothes from charity shops, and ticketed food from the supermarket.

  The latest SOS was holiday money for my niece including paying her friend’s Mum food money and the rail fare. It all came to £300. It was either that or my niece not having a holiday.

  On top of it all, she barely says thank you and has been bad-mouthing me for years. Because a child is involved I find it difficult to say no.

  These requests are highly charged, frantic phone calls or texts. I have written to her and told her that I cannot afford to pay out anymore.

  I have an acrimonious relationship with my brother who tried to take out an injunction on me to prevent me from visiting the family home. He is my mother’s carer (she has altzheimers) and plots with my sister against my coming to the house, looking after my Mum etc.

  I feel marginally well enough to go overseas again and have decided to cut free from them all which is sad but seems the only way to protect myself.

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  Brandt Smith

  @Mandy – Many people end up cutting ties with their family. It’s the only way for them to protect themselves, and to eliminate the negative influence on their lives. As for providing money to your family, you don’t have enough for yourself, why should you be expected to provide for the rest of them.

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  Frankly

  Very timely. The person who’s asking is a coworker of my husband’s. He has many advantages you wouldn’t believe that were handed down from the family (like a free house), but he’s perpetually in need (he’s 60, so this is terminal). To me, this is a no-brainer. Say, Sorry I can’t help you. But my husband’s feels bad for not helping. I say, think of the donations you can increase to the charities we support, if you don’t mis-allocate the money to this person. He’s still bent on helping him.
  I know manipulators and users really well. Have you ever noticed that they are in a state of perpetual crisis? Some of this is part drama, and some of this is real. Their health is bad, their car is broken down, their overdue bill is due, and on and on. At first telling, the story makes them sound like they have the worst luck imaginable. But they live in a state of crisis because they always neglect everything — their health, their bills, their car maintenance. I was poor during my childhood because I had no choice. And when I became an adult, I saw that in this country poverty was a choice. I did not want to have children out of wedlock, wanted to save for a rainy day, wanted to go to school, wanted to hold onto a job and excel so I’d be marketable … in a nutshell, I didn’t want to live life behind the eightball. Better than that, I wanted to prosper — intellectually.
  But none of the hard work and planning will insulate you from the poor choices of family members and friends. Or even the ripple effect of Americans who get in debt and foreclose. Sorry, I’m really down about this guy asking my husband for money, because I see it as a microcosm of what’s happening on a larger scale in this country. The lack of personal accountability. And I feel callous and cold for not jumping in and just showering everyone “in need” with money. I’m made out to be the bad guy. I’ve been duped before, and I’m fed up with the hard luck stories.

• 

  Frankly

  I should clarify: When I said “he’s 60, so it’s terminal,” I mean that the guy isn’t going to stop mooching any time soon. He’s done it his whole life. He’s asking for money, yet he’s taking trips to Europe and not paying his wife’s health insurance!!!! Nonsense like that.

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  Frankly

  Mandy, I’d like to recommend an outstanding book called Leaving Home: The Art of Separating From Your Difficult Family. My sister cut ties to my mother and I wanted to better understand her position. It helped me see it so clearly that now I fully support her decision, though I never ridiculed her or tried to make her feel bad about it. In fact, my mother is so ugly to my brother, and he’s just endured the abuse, never returning verbal firepower, that I will give him the book to read when he visits. (I’ve created a different relationship with my mom, and I have to be vigilant about boundaries — it’s exhausting.)

  The book might give you the courage, and to a degree the permission, to distance yourself from some destructive personalities in your family. I wish you well with your health and finances and with enriching relationships.

• 

  Frankly

  Mandy, I\’d like to recommend an outstanding book called Leaving Home: The Art of Separating From Your Difficult Family. My sister cut ties to my mother and I wanted to better understand her position. It helped me see it so clearly that now I fully support her decision, though I never ridiculed her or tried to make her feel bad about it. In fact, my mother is so ugly to my brother, and he\’s just endured the abuse, never returning verbal firepower, that I will give him the book to read when he visits. (I\’ve created a different relationship with my mom, and I have to be vigilant about boundaries — it\’s exhausting.)

  The book might give you the courage, and to a degree the permission, to distance yourself from some destructive personalities in your family. I wish you well with your health and finances and with enriching relationships.

• 

  Jarrett

  I love this post it really forced me to rethink things. I’m in the military and I’ve been on my own since I turned 18 and now I’m 22 and my family is really holding me back. Throughout those years I haven’t once asked my family for money because I’m very independent, but the same cannot be said of my family. I’ve given out handouts left and right to the same individuals (mom, dad, sisters, brother, uncle) and I’ve gotten annoyed with it because it’s stressing me out and, me being the youngest, should not be. I just returned from a tour in Afghanistan and not even three days of being back I’m already asked for money. I can’t seem to relax considering I think everyone views me as an ATM. I should not have to second guess whether or not I should answer my phone when family calls. Just about every conversation with them ends with “Oh I was wondering if you could send me some money…it’s just $blah $blah $blah!” I’m starting to believe they’re all selfish and it certainly is not my job to take care of everyone, but I always feel guilty. I’m at a good point in life, I own a 2011 sports vehicle, I’m staying on my own in a nice house, I have a degree in business, and I have a nice savings account. I don’t want my family to ruin all that I have, so I’m one phone call away from getting my number changed and disassociating myself with them!

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  angela

  This was an interesting post. My parents were poison. I left home when I was 16, got a job, went to college, got a graduate degree (with out a cent)and earn a sucessful living. My parents and siblings have been \"borrowing\" money in the thousands for twenty years. To make a long story short, I had a recent catastrophic financial event (wont go into to) and needed help. A grand to be exact. NOT ONE of my family members would help. Two of them have lived with me for two years each rent free on separate ocassions. So now I know to only ever depend on myself -all all of those times \"rent\" \"medicine\" \"car notes\" \"insurance\" \"groceries\" count for NOTHING. Thank goodness I have a couple of good friends.